1. |
a final note from
02:24
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You can't attribute any happiness to me
I guarantee that I do not have what they seek
I am just a hologram
There was a stirring in my bones to hide these words
I am becoming so much less than you deserve
I am just a hologram
You are a lantern that brings warmth into the earth
You have made effort to illuminate my worth
I am just a hologram
We are imperfect sons and daughters of the flame
We will return to it lest we proclaim your name
We are simply holograms
Since I was but a child I've felt cold and alone
Your children told me there are demons in my bones
We are simply holograms
You can't attribute any happiness to me
I'm sorry that I couldn't let the demons free
I am not your hologram
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2. |
Chelsea
03:48
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Chelsea’s gonna crash before the night ends
She’ll drive into the river with her Facebook open on her iPhone six
They will notify her Christian parents
They’ve been watching sermons on the television, cause that’s how they cope
When their daughter’s life is on the line
Chelsea was depressed but they called it demons
Told her that everybody goes through seasons, well hers was eighteen years
Her mother will step to the bathroom cabinet
And look at all the meds that she confiscated from her broken kid
Those side effects don’t matter now
Chelsea’s church friends will post about her
Making sure to note that they’re praying for her to follow protocol
They will think back to the prior Sunday
At a party ignoring texts from Chelsea that say “I feel like shit”
The super bowl was on that night
And Chelsea’s life was on the line
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3. |
Easter Eggz!
03:57
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Somebody help me, my garden is breaking down
The compost pile is sprouting vines - they will envelop me and choke me out
You can bury me beneath the coffee shop in which I heard the news
Where I punched the dashboard of my car and fresh tears soaked my Easter hues
Somebody save her, this stone will not roll away
I’m saying “hi” and shaking hands, but I’m one Sufjan song from panicking
I’ll nail this cancer to a cross and sit upon a hill until it’s dead
I will fall asleep with vines around my neck while the garden says:
“Tell them everything is well
Reclaim the child years
Tell them everything is well
Go to the building with the tallest steeple
That’s what the minister told you to do
Try to ignore the pain in your body
Dislodge the knife that is buried in your soul
Quit complaining and make your god heal you
That’s the only thing we use him for today
Pay all your tithes and your sins are forgiven
Now everyone will ask you how you are”
Well I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine
I’m getting sick of being sick but I’m done fine
I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine
I am depressed and I hate myself but I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine
I’m getting buried in memories but I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine
This world has taken my soul away but I’m doing fine
I’m doing fine, I’m doing fine
Well her cancer’s back and her shadow’s changed
But I’m doing fine
Yeah I’m fucking fine
I’m doing fine
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4. |
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“I can balance without hands,” I said as I fell into the cold current
Kindness stretched out over banks of mud, whispered “you cannot give up yet”
I can function without pills I think, but the current still has hold of me
I spend my life swimming into it, pleading “don’t make me give up yet”
Fearing one day it will dissipate
This depression is an adequate home, one you never leave but never truly know
You can’t put it on the market anymore, you’ll live in it till it burns down
“I can balance without you,” I said to them, all the people that I’m lucky to call friends
We can’t predict where they’ll be when we fall in the coldest, deepest waters
I’m afraid of sinking all alone
But I’m not ready to stop swimming yet
(My hope, I’m neck deep, headed for)
It’s not cold enough to see my breaths
I’m not ready to stop swimming yet
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5. |
Grant Me Death
03:58
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I’ve been told that you’re waking up
Coming for the ones that have shown you love
What about the ones that gave up halfway?
Where our spirits broke so did our will to pray
We are tired people with tired souls
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
Lift me up, there’s nothing left
Can you hear my shallow, weary breaths?
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
Oh I’ve been told that you’ve gone away
Abandoned us to our last days
I wouldn’t blame you a single bit
Collectively, we are full of shit
I can hear your breath inside the sea
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
Lift me up, there’s nothing left
Can you hear my shallow, weary breaths?
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
Innocents are falling in the street
We are running out of things to say
We have traded nightmares for our dreams
We won’t survive if we stay awake
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
Lift me up, there’s nothing left
Can you hear my shallow, weary breaths?
Grant me sleep, or grant me death
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6. |
Fallenstar
03:09
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Veins are weird, hearts are weirder
The blood they carry is moving faster
You’re so, so angry, without much reason
You look like you could use a highway drive
There is than you and I and these midwest nights
Sitting alone again, talking about our failures
Phones are strange, words are stranger
We burn our bridges with help of towers
We’re so enslaved to godlike signals
You look like you could use some Klonopin
There are words you’ve said that you can’t take back again
Making our friendship work is admitting that we’re both failures, so
I tried to save you for a rainy day, but I couldn’t keep you dry here
In my pocket you weren’t safe from all this rain or irony
I tried to save you for a rainy day, but I cannot bear this burden
I’m so sorry, I didn’t ask you to be sorry for me
I tried to save you for a rainy day, but I couldn’t keep you dry here
In my pocket you weren’t safe from all this rain that fell on me
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7. |
Third World War
04:53
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We go out for coffee, there’s tears in her eyes
She says it’s so nice to get out, since her father’s death she’s spent her days inside
As I sip my light roast I try to form a plan
What words can I say to conjure the illusion that I’m not a hollow man
It’s been seventeen years, but it feels like seven days
Since I would’ve held her small frame in my loving arms and kissed those tears away
We were twenty years of age, she wanted to wed - I wanted to fight, married war instead
Schools were all teaching anti bullying while our government bullied other countries
We knew how to hate anyone that was different in their stance on social media
Our minds were diseased, we lashed out in pain
We were strong enough, but so were other countries
“I took the lives of children,” I say as my voice breaks
It seems that I am the center of attention in this nearly-empty place
She puts fingertips to window as if to hold the hand
Of the country that is one third of the size from when that ten-year war began
She says “do you hear them?” and I say “every night”
She goes quiet for a short while before asking “did they really have to die?”
And I stand up and say “I know you think you know what’s right for me
We were close so long ago, and I craved your approval desperately
But I’ll never love you as much as I love war
I fell hard and never tried to justify what I was fighting for
We were responsible, we were the aggressors
We knew the warning signs of this but didn’t listen to our mothers
We were mislead in our attempts to kill each other
And what came out of it was something not a single soul deserved”
I pay for her coffee, she returns the mugs
She looks at me like she won’t see me again and then we share an awkward hug
I ask her what her dad said when she took off the ring
With a tremble in her voice she tells the story and her eyes begin to rain
I say “love, I’m sorry that I left you with this pain
This story would have unfolded without me, bloodlust runs through this country's veins”
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8. |
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On Thanksgiving day, the day she died, I slowly started asking “why”
I turned and walked out of the room, “at least I’ll see my brother soon”
They combed her snow-white perfect hair, they left a wooden gamepiece there
Under a grave stone at the end, we still care for appearances
I won’t pretend to understand why there’s so much death
Oh, death
Why is there so much death
A few years pass and I hold loved ones as another life fades with the sun
We mourn again at the loss of her, but it is your will, or so I’ve heard
The pastor says “she’s in a better place,” how in the hell does that help the ones that wait
Because you said we won’t remember them, I angry with you, closest friend
I won’t pretend to understand why I worship you
Oh, you
Why do I worship you
Oh, you
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9. |
Joy Beach
03:29
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You are oxygen, the only thing that makes this pitiful existence brilliant
I am engulfed in the waters that we drove across the country to experience
Good morning, beautiful
Clouds forming, rain’s coming, beautiful
Life is speeding by, the miracle is how you always find the time to love me
We will not comply with rules and regulations, standards set on what life should be
Good morning, beautiful
Home’s changing, bed’s different, beautiful
There were sadder words here once, and I didn’t need to keep them
Cause you put me in a better state of knowing what I need
I’m a much, much better man when my head is on your shoulder
And I drive into my thoughts that we could conquer anything
Good morning, beautiful
Sleep soundly, sleep with me, beautiful
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10. |
Depart
04:31
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Traveler, nomad in your loved one’s eyes
Always shifting to a place where you can grow
Breaking off all the bones that grow through skin
I know you have to leave soon
Wanderer, what could ever be enough?
You won’t know until “enough” cradles you
Shrugging off the comfort of supporters
They watch you great horizons
Bless you for your time here
I’ll miss the words you said here to me
And I couldn’t sew your sails the way you needed them
(I couldn’t sew your sails that way)
I know you know that I have done the best I can
(And I have tried to make you stay)
So I will not take your credit when those sails catch the wind, oh
(But I will watch you sail away)
You will unlearn me, you will forget
Some days I ponder on your whereabouts and pray that you are well
(I’m praying now that you are well)
I know you possess all the tools to fight off anything that hurts you
(I know that you’re still strong as hell)
I hope you never lose yourself, I hope your blade stays sharp
(Please don’t lose sight of who you are)
And if you turn it on yourself I hope it doesn’t pierce your heart
Bless you for your time here
I’ll miss the words you said here
And you never could have stayed here with me
So goodbye, Traveler, I won’t forget you
Oh goodbye, Traveler, I won’t forget you
I won’t forget you
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Gabriel Reasoner Minneapolis, Minnesota
filling the empty space
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